Sam here. When we started this conversation about Lewis Hyde’s book, The Gift: Creativity and the Artist in Modern World, I mentioned that it challenges me. I’ve repeated as much throughout our discussions, but what I referred to then is still my real challenge: What’s mine is mine.
I like stewardship as a concept and I suppose I practice it enough to keep me from feeling overly selfish. But when the sharing of physical items threatens to cost me, I cower. I don’t like to give away the things I value. (And because I’m rather sentimental, I value a lot.)
Hyde opens Chapter 5 with a story from Carol Stack’s book, All Our Kin. In it, an urban ghetto family inherited enough money to make a down payment on a house, but within six weeks, the money had disappeared. Some went to a niece’s phone bill, some to an uncle’s funeral, some to a friend’s overdue rent, and on and on – to relatives and neighbors alike – until nothing remained. This family’s highly-connected, poor, interdependent network drained them of every inherited cent.
Or did they?
Stewardship says nothing is really mine; that I manage and distribute what has been given to me. I understand this when it comes to air in the sky or water in the ocean. I use some for personal consumption and enjoy it however I like, yet I claim no right to keep it from others. But what about an inheritance? Is this different? Does stewardship have conditions?
In the ghetto family’s kinship network, there were unwritten rules or, as Hyde puts it, “contracts of the heart,” which governed normal behavior. Nobody told them to give away their money. What belonged to them belonged to the community.
I struggle with this.
1. What do you do with inheritance money? What about with your education? Do you see these differently, and if so, why do we view some elements as private property and others as gifts?
2. Hyde writes, “When we speak of communities developed and maintained through an emotional commerce like that of gifts, we are therefore speaking of something of limited size.” Malcolm Gladwell argues persuasively about the magical Rule of 150 in his book, The Tipping Point, suggesting that when groups exceed this number, they break down. Does your group size (pick family, church or work) affect your sense of and commitment to stewardship?
Photo by J. Barkat. Used with permission. Post written by Sam Van Eman.
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Current Book Club Posts
Laura’s Gift of Community
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Previous Gift posts
- Chapter 4 – The Gift: Gran Turino
- Chapter 3 – The Gift: Generous Elves
- Chapter 2 – The Gift: Hike with me
- Chapter 1 – The Gift: Don’t be a keeper
- Chapter 1 – The Gift: Laish and the Silo Effect
- Introduction – Mozart, Tiger Woods and Me: Gift 1-1/2
- Introduction – The Gift: Art, work and ribbon
- Invitation – Let’s read: The Gift
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I have never inherited money
My education? Self-bought and mine to spend. But these are sore issues, ones that perhaps have driven deeper wedges in my family community.
I have found that as I get older I can swallow this stewardship thing easier. I don’t know if it is a natural mellowing or the gaining of wisdom, but this is a better place for me–happier, more satisfied.
Afterall, I’ve tried on the spectrum of other views.
I do think that group size affects gift sharing. But, that said, when we are in a smaller group that is part of a larger society, I think that can buffer some of this. We can give back in smaller ways that might have a bigger impact in the long run when we are in a small group that supports this.
My post is up…a bit more self-analysis, I’m afraid.
not holding on to what we are given is a true challenge.
threre are questions that we ask ourself about this. should i not pass onto others at some point, the things that i have been given? especially if i do not use it… or can not use anymore.
there seems to be life in motion, or motion is a part of life. if we keep something hidden and it is not used, then it dies there.
moving, sharing, using, relating…there must be action to continue life in anything. where is the life in anything if we do not use it, and how can we use something and not have it shared. when something is used, in the process, it is shared and there is life.
life is the gift, and the gift is life.
as far as the size of a group that is connected by something in life and living, the small groups tend to click, to hold onto eachother so they can keep track of what is going on and feel in control.
but, if we hold on too tight, again, there is death. but, in small groups we feel mainly in control and so are more able to let go of the notion of controling.
as groups gets larger, people tend to get overwhelmed when they try to keep track and control what is going on even harder. so they either continue to try and control or they realize that they can not control it. so they think it is not working. but, if they actually trusted in God to be in control, then, life would be there.
i think humans look to be in total control because of fear that they will be left alone to death.
there is always some group that we seek to be a part of so that we feel that we are part of life, that we count, that we are loved.
but, what is life if we do not share it, if we do not relate, if we hold on so tight to something that there is no life? God is about relationship and therefore giving us life…through mercy and gratefulness and Love with eachother in Jesus.
if God did not give us mercy in His Son and change through His Holy Spirit, where would we be? if we are to have life we must learn to give our life to Him. life or death…what are we holding on to?
the photo from l.l. is soooo cute. just wonderful !
i keep forgetting to fill in my new web address when i comment.
so i am doing it now.
What inheritance money? I have inheritance money?!
Sam, why didn’t you tell me sooner? Now, how shall I use my millions…
All I have–time, talent, treasure–belongs to the Lord, to be used as He wills. Although I don’t resent however He’d have me use any of the above, I don’t always exercise good stewardship and ask Him first before spending it. He doesn’t always direct giving it away, either. Many is the time He generously provided for a blessing we didn’t actually need, but which later proved to play an important role in our lives.
As for that rule of 150? Hmm. I attend a pretty big church. (Auditorium seats something like 750, and it’s mostly full on Sunday mornings.) I still manage to connect with a good many people, and have never hesitated to share as the Lord provides and directs.
Laura, I inherited about $200 from my dad when he died. It wasn’t enough to really put me to the test.
nAncY, I put an awful expectation on recipients of my gifts (not Christmas/Birthday gifts, but donations, etc): They must use the gift well. That’s the challenge I face when sharing what I’ve been given.
LL, I don’t know about millions, but if I remember, I’ll bequeath some of my baseball cards to you when I die.
Anne, we also attend a sizable church. Gladwell focuses on the changes which occur to a group when it surpasses 150. It can still exist, of course, and function well beyond this point, but something indeed happens to it regarding gifts and the relationships involved overall. Not sure how all of this works, but it’s a fascinating subject to consider. If you have access to The Tipping Point, read pps. 181-192.
I am going to hold you to that, Sam. And if I give them away (you know, ‘keep the gift moving’), you must promise in advance not to haunt me.
If you keep the gift moving, fine. If you use them as coffee table coasters, then I’ll haunt you.
LOL!!
Christmas ornaments? Can I use them that way? How ’bout as tooth picks? Memorabilia door-lock jimmies? Muffin cup papers… confetti…
All listed under Inappropriate Uses in the fine print.
Now wait a minute. Are gifts supposed to have fine print?
(but I’m laughing again)
I am preparing to move continents for the second time. Uprooting my life has engendered a “hold loosely” philosophy about material items – no matter how “valuable” they are. One of my joys as i prepare to move is to give to those who i know will enjoy the items that i have had benefit from. Beautiful homewares, art, books. It brings me such joy it becomes contagious.
I don’t have alot…but i am aware i have more than many in the world.
I see in myself though a change that comes when i am leaving that it is easier to steward these items to others when the cost-benefit of shipping is so high. When I am nesting in a home i find it much harder to “hold loosely.”
goannatree,
it is good of you, in your transition, to take the time to choose people to give some of your things to.
i have lived in the same house for 18 years, and things do gather at different times of life that i no longer use, so there are a few things that i could surely part with. though i have given away some things, i know thatt there are more. this encourages me to do this.
I think it is harder when you are in one place to divest yourself of those things that hold memories. I think that is why i like to give them away rather than throw or sell! Having to pack your life into a half a dozen boxes and a couple of suitcases does a number on you. I like the things i had that’s why i had them….
Sometimes i miss things….but then i realise i still have the memory…and that helps…
Goannatree, you said you like to give gifts “to those who I know will enjoy” them. I do, too. Why is it so hard to give to those who may not enjoy what we give to them? Why do we put expectations on recipients?
I don’t know that i find it harder to give to those who may not enjoy them except that it kind of defeats the purpose of a gift. Are you being merely selfish by foisting unneeded items on others. I wouldn’t give a family a dog for instance if i knew this would not be enjoyed and wanted – that would be cruel. As for non-living things, i wouldn’t give a bunch of books in french to someone who couldn’t read french.
If i am planning on giving/divesting myself of items, as i am in the process of moving overseas it helps in part of me to retain a connection, to continue to build a relationship when i show a small kindness that says, “I have taken notice of your interests, I know that you will enjoy this beautiful italian cookbook i have enjoyed because you too enjoyed italian cooking”
It doesn’t have to be about a personal relationship though – you don’t have to know the person or like them. I grew up in a home where we lived in hand-me-down clothes and as a undergraduate (and even as a graduate student) I relished hand me down pots and pans and furniture. I see it as responsible to not throw away things if someone expresses a need for them. But i also know that i am aware that should be sensitive in how I choose to pass on items.
I don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t like my taste in homewares! (seems superficial….but it goes to answering your second question). I have two older relatives who would ask me if i liked X object, thing etc. But the level of honesty in my response had to be mediated (out of love) because of the differing reactions. For one you needed to be very gentle in your no, i don’t like that, because if you didn’t offence was easily taken, but sometimes it was best to smile and politely say, “oh, i just don’t think i’d ever use it, it’s lovely though.” For the other she wanted blunt honest yes or no and no offence was taken at a no, even if it differed with her opinion – furthermore, for the latter you needed to be honest because if you uttered a vague yes and it involved knitwear she would move heaven and earth to make the item in question. Beautiful yes, wanted not necessarily, so out of love being honest in my responses to possible gifts was, and is, essential.
Bottom line is this. I don’t take a gift recipients negative reaction personally. I try to be receptive and sensitive to the needs of those around me. I will tell people want I think – that gift is free! Not everyone wants or needs my gift of straight-talking australian woman-ness (i promise you its a word!)
Hope all of that in some way answers your question Sam.
Why is it so hard to give to those who may not enjoy what we give to them?
Why do we put expectations on recipients?
these are very interesting questions, sam.
might it be because we might be connected to what we are giving away and thus in a sense are presenting someone with a part of our self?
Goannatree, I like your reminder that we must listen to the recipient, whether we know the person or not; like the person or not. Gift-giving goes better when it fits the recipient.
Thanks Sam. Speaking of giving away things. This thread, and some other things converged into an idea for Goannatree. I am giving away some new books! http://goannatree.blogspot.com/2009/08/goannatree-book-giveaway.html
And speaking of listening to the recipient – if your name is the one pulled out of the hat then you will be able to choose which of the books you’d like.
Have a great day!