My five-year-old, Rowan, and I had enjoyed a full day together: a morning at the zoo, followed by a picnic in the park and a stop at Target, where I’d picked up two tubes of glow sticks in the dollar section – one for Rowan and one for his older brother, Noah.
At bedtime that night Rowan suddenly gripped my wrist and pleaded for more glow sticks to bend into necklaces and bracelets. As I explained patiently that we would save the rest for the next evening, Rowan grabbed the tube out of my hand, tore off the lid and dumped the contents across his bed, scattering them like luminescent pick-up sticks. Then he picked up a handful of glow sticks, held them in his fist above his head for dramatic effect and proclaimed emphatically, “I bet you let Noah have all his! My whole life is so hard!” Then he crumpled into howling tears.
Commence bedtime chat.
Rowan and I talked about gratefulness, about cultivating an attitude of appreciation and contentment rather than dissatisfaction and greed. We talked about our nature, as people, to crave more, bigger and better.
Feet planted firmly on my soapbox, I was about halfway through my lecture when I realized that my own attitude often isn’t much better than Rowan’s. I, too, am often an ingrate and worse, my ungratefulness often spirals to self-pity.
Just recently I began to feel uncertain and insecure again about my pursuit of a writing career. And what do I do when insecurity rolls in like a San Francisco fog? I bemoan, begrudge, compare and covet.
“Well, she has it easier than I do,” I thought to myself as I skimmed one writer’s blog. “Of course she has plenty of time to write every day. Of course she’s got an agent and a second book coming out. She probably doesn’t even have kids! She’s probably got so much time on her hands she doesn’t know what else to do with herself.”
“My life is so much harder than hers.”
I clicked over to another blog I read regularly, a writer whose first book came out last year.
“Sure, rough life,” I thought bitterly when I read in his author bio that he’s an entrepreneur. “What does an entrepreneur actually do anyway? He probably sits home all day in his quiet office, responds to a few emails and writes during all his free time. Why can’t I get an opportunity like that?”
“My life is so much harder than his.”
It was tantalizingly easy to slip on the woe-is-me shoe. So easy to slide into an attitude of selfish ingratitude and petty jealousy. So easy to assume that my life circumstances are more challenging than someone else’s…everyone else’s.
Not long after my self-pity fest, I discovered that the author I assumed had no children, and thus plenty of time to perfect her craft, actually has five — more than twice the number of offspring I’m raising.
And that entrepreneur tucked in his home office, fingers clacking keyboard, mug of coffee steaming on the desk beside him? Turns out it took him 14 years to get his first book published. Not exactly the speedy road to publishing I had envisioned for him.
I was properly humbled by what I had discovered about these two writers I simultaneously admire and envy. Life is hard for everyone, I realized, and rarely does anyone get off easy. Fingers don’t snap and touch gold. And what may appear on the surface as easy-breezy, piece-of-cake is often simply a mirage.
I’d like to say that Rowan grasped all that — that he listened attentively to my lecture and then vowed to live a more grateful existence. But he didn’t. Instead, when I concluded the conversation by asking, “Does that make sense, honey? Do you understand?” he looked me in the eye, nodded yes, and then asked, “So, can I have another glow stick?” When I sighed and answered no, the howling resumed.
It’s not easy living gratefully. Rowan and I walk this path together, a glow stick on hand to light the way.
Have you ever given in to envy and self-pity, only to be properly humbled in the end? How do you cultivate an attitude of gratefulness?
Note: some details have been changed to protect identities.
“Glow Sticks” photo by Casey Glasgow. Used with permission. Post by Michelle DeRusha.
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Thanks for your thoughts today, Michelle. This is such good insight on our attitudes and lack of gratefulness. (Not too mention that we usually know so little of other people’s stories and yet are all too happy to jump in assume life is so easy for them!)
“So, can I have another glow stick?” That is a classic line! And it’s me so often. I find myself doing the same. I catch glimpses of insight, God teaches me about contentment and I respond with, “Ok, I get it…so can I have more now?”
I absolutely get that, Joel. “More” is too often a large part of my vocabularly and thought process!
When I’ve hand that envy of other writers, I think of when I’ve been on their side—not in writing, but in parenting. One parent said, “Monica and Charles have it easy. They have angel children.”
Yeah. Mm-hm. First of all, they didn’t just come that way, we had to raise them that way. And secondly, they are NOT, in fact, angels. So, whenever I get jealous of writers, I remind myself that it harms not only me but them, too.
On a flip side, jealousy and self-pity can also make me secretly glad of another’s hardships. (Did I just say that? Well, confessions are ugly.)
One thing that really helps me is the verse that says to rejoice when others rejoice and weep when others mourn (instead of rejoicing when they do poorly and weeping when they do well).
Anyway, life is funner when I party on behalf of others (because we party together) than when I pity-party solo.
Such great thoughts here, Monica! Oh boy how I can relate to your confession of being secretly glad of another’s hardships. More than once I’ve thought to myself, “Well, it could be worse…I could be her” — thinking of someone who is facing a worse situation than I. But you are so right — that kind of thinking is ugly and non-productive. Empathy and compassion is the far better choice!
I’ve been here. But not so much lately. I’ve found a lot of contentment in being who I am recently, enjoying the gifts God has given me. There is a certain amount of not-caring-what-the-rest-of-the-world-thinks that has crept into my work. I think my jealousy stemmed so much from the approval others were getting that I was trying to be like them, instead of choosing authenticity in my own work.
And man, talking to the kids about life just knocks it to ya, doesn’t it? Oy!
I am striving to be where you are, Kelly! With God’s grace, I will get there! I think part of my problem is that too often I seek approval from others, rather than from Him.
This certainly spoke to me this morning, Michelle! I’m part of a writers group of five, and two of us work full-time. As we communicate via email, I find myself thinking,”Wow, if I had time like that…” or “Here I am juggling a classroom full of high school sophomores and my family in addition to writing…”!
I spoke with a mom yesterday who has walked a hard road after her husband’s infidelity, and she gracefully slammed the door on my self-pity when she said, “There are no what-ifs. This is the road the Lord has given me to walk, and there’s a lot I and my children have learned from it.”
When I really look at what I wouldn’t have had or experienced if my life were like others, it wakes me up a bit. Loved this post. (Especially, “So, can I have another glow stick?” HA)
Laura, Your friend’s advice is tough by spot-on. Sometimes I need to hear the hard truth like that as a wake-up call. It’s pretty sad that I was looking at another writer — the one I thought had no children — and wishing that “easier” existence for myself — when in fact my children have given me ten-fold the number of blessings I ever expected (to say nothing of the writing fodder!)
I’ve spent too much of my life comparing myself to other people, and even when I’m humbled by the truth, I seem to always return to the bad behavior, measuring myself against others. I’m going to pray hard for help on this. I don’t think I can change this on my own.
Thanks, Michelle. I always enjoy your posts!
Praying with you, Becky!
And thanks for the encouragement!
I love this. I do.
“My whole life is hard.”
I get the comparisons. I’m not super prone to them, which is probably more a “why bother” resignation than a sign of great maturity. But they come nonetheless. I’ve been spending long hours on the road for which I’m not really being directly paid yet (that entrepreneur thing
), and not getting to be in places I’d really love to be (like home). That tends to lend itself a little more to the compare and contrast and scowl than usual.
But then I get up for another day and realize I have pockets full of glowsticks.
Love that, Lyla: “pockets full of glowsticks.” Yes indeed we do.
I read this really cool thing in The Pleasures and Sorrows of Work, about a psychologist who did career counseling… and he asked his clients to make a jealousy list. It is a key, he maintains, to discovering what’s really important to us.
Recently, I was jealous of somebody and it was really getting in the way. I thought about the jealousy list. I sat down and focused just on that one person and wrote all the things I was feeling jealous over.
By the time I was finished I knew what was silly and misled, and I knew what I’d been denying myself, and I knew what I’d been neglecting to embrace and pursue. It led to some decisions about how I spend my time. It was very freeing.
On another note, I LOVE the end of this piece. So unexpected! I cracked up when Rowan howled (sorry Rowan
). Do you think God laughs sometimes too, at the silliness of it all?
I love this suggestion of a jealousy list. Sometimes seeing those petty concerns in writing really brings their silliness to the surface. I tend to stew and stew — I think a jealousy list would help me vent, see the reality of the situation, and be better able to move on. I’m sure God laughs at the silliness of something like this…either that or rolls his eyes!
Next time I’m overcome with envy (probably tomorrow), I’m going to remember this. Thanks, L.L.!
If it’s any consolation, you have blessed me this is piece of writing. I really needed this right now. I’m still very early into navigating the writing path and just in the last few days have been wrestling with the jealousy of others. Thank you for such timely insight. My advice? Go buy some more glow sticks and bring them out as a surprise some night!
I like to call this me being an “ungrateful brat”, when the nasty spirals in and I least expect it. Humbling. In order to keep my heart centered on gratitude I keep a gratitude list {with Ann Voskamp’s Gratitude Community}. This has seriously changed how I see the world around me. So that when I find someone bought that new fancy shmancy thing I’ve been secretly coveting, I don’t feel the ping of jealously. I am just extremely grateful to have what I have: my 1300 sqft townhouse rental, our one van with 140,000 miles, four kids, one very old dog and a husband that loves me…even the chubby me.
Gratitude for me started with my heart’s perspective: how I interact in the world, how I see things, how I do or do not compare my life with others. I was humbled literally on my face when I realized that God is on His throne, He is not small or weak, and that all I see, all I hold in my hands, all I claim as my own is really His. That rocked my world. And now the envy and jealousy and ungrateful spirit do not creep up into my days. My days are numbered and His.
Love this post Michelle. So good.
Best post ever! Love this!
I too, read people’s blogs that it appears they have all the time in the world. And I get jealous. There couldn’t have been a better example for me to hear.
I love that this post didn’t have a fairy tale ending. I really did. It proves the point with such clarity that it is something we might always struggle with.
Really. This needs to be in a book.
You make me laugh! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face today.
Jessica, You share such wise words here. I love Ann Voskamp’s gratitude community. I have not joined…but I’ve taken a step in the right direction. In a couple of weeks I will turn 40. I began to write a “bucket list.” but then realized I was falling into the same pattern as always: wanting more, looking ahead, not appreciating what I do have. So I scrapped that list and started a new one: 40 things I am grateful for as I turn 40. That’s more like it! I’m not even halfway through that list yet, and already I feel blessed beyond comprehension. It’s really affecting how I see my life, as you so eloquently pointed out in your comment.
Just saw this quote on your blog, too: “Don’t waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
And that fits perfectly with our discussion here!
Eleanor: I am SO very glad you found the essay timely and worthwhile. I think it’s a rare person that doesn’t struggle with envy at times, so you are most definitely not alone!
I could have written this one Michelle, although not nearly as well (she said without self-pity or envy).
I find I have the same thought processes you talk about. I knew about the self-pity part, but I didn’t recognize the envy.
Then we did a James MacDonald study – “Lord Change My Attitude”. When we came to the Envy chapter I thought, “Well at least there is one I don’t have to worry about.” Ha!! It didn’t take many minutes for me to realize that yes I am envious.
The tricky part, for me at least, is to get on with whatever it is I am meant to do. It’s easier to have those attitudes than it is to sit down and do the writing.
I really loved this. I’m working on my attitude
I’ll never look at a glow stick the same way again.
*Thank you,* Michelle (and Rowan), for that strong visual to remind me not to compare my life to others and entertain envy.
I liked your idea in the comments, Michelle, of the new list: “40 things I am grateful for as I turn 40.” That, and Ann Voskamp’s “Gratitude Community” (that someone else mentioned) http://www.aholyexperience.com/2003/06/gratitude-community.html are practical ways to cultivate contentment, by expressing thanks to the Giver of all good gifts.
A friend of mine has a great response to her sons when they are falling into envy and a lack of gratitude. She gently reveals their attitude to them, then asks them to make a list of five (or three depending on just how envious they are!) things they are thankful for.
I used to think this was a good parenting technique. I now think it’s a good spiritual discipline for all of us. Just this week I had to make myself think of five things . . . it’s amazing how often I look to God’s hand and not his heart to feel his love for me.
Don’t ya love it…just when you got done with your great reasoning we still howl when we don’t get out glowstick. Yes, life it like that some time. Thanks for the Post. God still loves us…
Linda – isn’t it funny how sometimes we don’t even realize when we are participating in a particular sin. I do that all the time — think, “Well, at least I’m not guilty of THAT!” Only to realize later that I am, in fact, guilty of that. It’s truly humbling.
Charity, I love this parenting advice. I think Rowan could do this — come up with 3 things for which he’s grateful. It might even distract him for his angst and get him to stop howling, so it would be a double blessing. And it’s certainly a practice I could keep myself. I have a feeling this “40 things I’m grateful for at 40″ may turn into an ongoing project.
Don’t the kids just teach? You bless me by the way you keep your eyes open for lessons like these. Something tells me you won’t be so grabby for glow-sticks after this reflection. I’ve been there too, though I am less inclined to envy others and more toward the beating myself up angle (if only you were more disciplined, Laura…she’s a better person, etc.). But, God has been working with me on these things (as He often does) and I am finding a pretty neat place (most days).
But glow sticks are pretty hard to resist.
Now I feel like a glow stick.
Dang!
Dollar section of Target — can’t beat that bargain!
Item in the dollar section of Target- $1
Plane ticket to nearest Target store – $5000
Having a glow stick – Priceless
There are some things in life money can’t buy.
For everything else, I don’t have enough on my Mastercard.
Where do you live that you are so far from Target — seems like there is one around every corner in Lincoln (NE)!
Africa.
We don’t have all your big city conveniences, like chain stores, and running water.
I have to go outside my hut and run on a treadmilll to power my laptop.
(Okay, I made that part up.)
SharkBait — Ah, Africa. That explains it. Ethnocentric that I am, I couldn’t figure out where in the US you’d need to purchase a plane ticket to get to Target. It’s all coming together now.
This resonates, Michelle. Ohhhh … does it ever.
The Envy Monster visits me all-too-frequently, not only in my writing life but also in other areas of my life. For me, much of it stems from my appetite for others’ approval. God is trying to cure me of that, and repeatedly draws me back to Galatians 1:10, which is highlighted boldly in green in my Bible. It goes like this:
“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, Iwould not be a servant of Christ.”
Great post, Michelle. Rock-solid truths here from you. You travel the well-lit path (and I’m not talking glow sticks, here.~wink~)
You’re a lovely writer, with a great future. As long as you keep putting pen to paper, it will happen — in God’s timing, just as it should.
Ann, Laura, Jennifer, Cassandra — Thank you so much for your kind words!
Ann, you are such a kind and encouraging editor — thank you for helping me polish this piece!
Jennifer: That passage from Galatians is key – -I think I may have to highlight it in green, too. Far, far too often I strive to win the approval of my peers…to please men, or myself, rather than God.
Cassandra: “In God’s timing” — yes, that is the key, and what I struggle against so often.
Always a struggle isn’t it? It seems like a valid justification to give up or not even try, but then we find it, this calling and our God keeps drawing us back and those excuses don’t mean much stacked up against Him and what He created us to be and do. Thanks Michelle for the great thoughts and reminder.
Oh this is so well-said, Jason. I do try to throw in the towel sometimes, and then God calls me back…again and again and again.
Hope you had a great, restful vacation!
guilty on all counts,
and also when it comes to watching my children get passed over or losing out or not getting recognized. If I can’t accept my lot , how do I model this for my- they should have totally won that award daughter/son?
I used to be burdened by anger and envy which became bitterness and resentment, until I truly realized how very blessed I am. I blamed everyone ( mostly my parents or lack of them), until I gradually came to understand that people looked to me as being “lucky” and believing it. Knowing it. There is always more to someone’s story than it appears, like you said about the published authors. We can’t know at what cost apparent success came to a person. Or how we will matter in the end. Sometimes the journey bears fruit. Our perceived goals are of little consequence .
The “my kid got passed over” saga…now that’s a whole ‘nother post! And I could certainly write that story, too!
“The journey bears fruit.” Yes. When I look back, so many moments in my life seemed burdensome at the time, and then later turned out to be a blessing for which I was immensely grateful. My move to Nebraska was exactly that. I came kicking and screaming…and then found God here, something I never, ever expected or anticipated. Can’t complain about that.
Point well-taken, Deb.
Thanks for sharing Michelle. I have really been struggling with envy and lack of gratitude these days. It is a difficult thing. We try to raise our kids to recognize all the wonderful gifts from our Father, yet I fail to be grateful for so many of them. Your words are very encouraging. Thank you.
Hi Holly,
Envy has been an on-going struggle for me, whether it’s accomplishments or success…or the size of my friend’s whirlpool tub!
Sounds like we are kindred spirits!
It’s hard to try to set a good example for our kids when we are so very flawed ourselves. But talking about just that — admitting that I, too, get it wrong and take gifts for granted — is a good lesson to share with my kids, too. It’s good to have the conversation…even if it takes more than one try (as in Rowan’s case in the story here!).
Keep going! I love your writing and will be the first to celebrate your first book. And the comparison game is nasty. Been there. Done that. Thank God for grace!
Your gratitude glows!
Thank you, Michelle!
Susan, Ann V. — Thank you for your lovely comments and support. I am feeling the love!
Michelle, this was just beautiful…thanks so much for sharing it. You truly have a gift. I’m glad you’re sharing it!
The discussion here reminds me of something Elisabeth Elliot once said to someone who gushed to her, “I want to write and speak like you!” She replied, “Do you wish to suffer as I have?”
That has always stuck with me. It helps me to see others and myself with more grace, patience, and contentment. Not that I have it all together (the green-eyed monster still comes calling too often for mine or God’s tastes, I’m afraid), but I’m changing…slowly.
We truly can’t know what’s behind someone else’s life, work, or words. And when I begin to feel jealous, I’m asking God to remind me to pray for that person, for the load they carry and for the things that are unseen. And when I suffer, I try to remember that on the other side, God will allow me to glean wisdom–which I can hopefully give to someone else, either in my writing or in daily life.
Wonderful post, great comments, thoughtful conversation–this is why I love HCB! You guys rock!
Dena,
This is an incredibly thoughtful comment and such wise words. They reminded me of this quote, which I saw on the “Speaking of Faith” blog a few months ago:
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”
Philo of Alexandria
You are so right…there is so much unseen — we often don’t don’t know the secret burdens a person carries.
Thanks, Dena — and thank you to everyone for this lovely community!
Loved this post! Maybe just because there’s another writer out there who’s managing to write with 5 kids. Gives me hope. Ha!
aren’t glow sticks mesmerizing?!
…as are the achievements of others sometimes
it helps me to go back bent to the feet of my Maker and ask Him what I should be seeking (besides the obvious… but even those things seem to slip my mind occasionally :S, thus the utility of this reconnaissance). If I’m doing what we (HE and I) have agreed on, then I am content. If I find I’ve slipped, and allowed my enemy to advance especially in the area of discontent, well, then the solution should be obvious. repentance. and it should go without saying, I’m there a lot 
thanks Michelle.
amy in peru
Nice bit of writing Michelle!
Like Duane said above, I too was surprised by the ending. It made me think of my 4 little ones, how sometimes at the end of the day, they are just plain tired and crabby and there is no reasoning. I really do try to recognize those times, and just…get…by. I fight the urge to make everything into a teachable moment, and try to muster some grace. I think God does that with me when there is no reasoning.
Marlo — another writer with 5 kids…you rock!
Amy — asking the Master is key. That’s the part I forget so often…I steamroll ahead.
Bob — you are so right…not every moment is a teachable one, especially at the end of a long, tiring day. Grace is key. And God finds me to be an unreasonable one many a time — but He’s sticking with me!
“Fingers don’t snap and touch gold”– I liked that line. To be grateful I believe is to live life intentionally. I often think of a quote from college “evil is easy, happiness is hard, temptation is a given”. We have to fight to be grateful, there is so much around us to covet and to make jealous.
YES. Gratitude I am finding is the surest way out of the pit. I am currently having to learn this lesson as our family adjusts to the shock of living in another country and is overwhelmed by the needs of the girls at the orphanage we direct. We are more isolated and feel more discouraged than we ever have before. Yet, I am learning that if I will choose to be thankful, my focus shifts from myself, back to a Good God.
I do a little thing with my kids, too. Whenever I am hearing complaining, I say something cheesy like, “You got an attitude of gratitude?” And then each of them has to quick-say two things they are most thankful for in that moment. It’s silly, but it helps us all shift from what we don’t have, to what we do.
Thank you for this post. I think blogging/writing is so discouraging when you see the many “successful” blogs that are out there. It seems I have to continually remind myself that this SHOULDN’T be about me even though I want it to be. Thanks for the reality check.