We live in a world that has become very mobile. Most people will not keep the same job throughout their adult lives. Indeed, many don’t keep a job more than five or six years. People come and go. Neighborhoods age and transition at an astonishing rate. It’s a reality of our world. And in this world, many people – perhaps even you one day – will find themselves facing the interesting task of looking for the right church.
It’s a hard thing, finding a church that is right for your spirit and soul. And I have nothing whatever to say about that task. I’m sure you’ll manage. If you really want to find a church, you will.
What I want to talk to you about is what happens AFTER you find your church. Because as difficult as it may be to find the right church, it’s even harder to become an integral part of a community of faith. Many people find a church they like and begin attending, only to leave months later, wondering why they never felt like they were a part of the church family.
Sometimes the church is to blame for this. Churches are very much like families, which means they all have varying levels of dysfunction. Some churches become so inwardly focused that they have a hard time helping newcomers fit it. But you and I don’t have the power to change churches, so let’s talk about you. I have five suggestions that I think will help you find deep friendship and community in any reasonably healthy church.
First – Attend worship on Sunday mornings.
I know that sounds ridiculously obvious, but it needs to be said. When I was a pastor, I was amazed at the people who would show up at our church, become very excited about joining, and then attend maybe once a month or so. They would pop in on a Sunday morning, sit on the back row, and leave quickly. If that is your pattern, I’m not going to scold you for it. But let’s be honest about this: you are never going to find deep and intimate friendships at church if you don’t attend. If you plan to become part of a church, make attendance at the main worship event a high priority.
Okay, I had to get that one out of the way. But let’s assume you plan to attend worship at your new church most Sundays. So let’s move on to some other things.
Second – Take the next step.
Every church has certain events that take place at times other than Sunday worship. There might be dinner on Wednesday nights or a Bible study at someone’s home. There might be a pot-luck meal after church. People new to church might think that these things are less important than Sunday worship. But these gatherings are often the times when people really get to know each other. Perhaps you can’t attend them all, but make an effort not to miss these other events.
Third – Be outgoing, but don’t rush things.
Church relationships follow common human rules of relationship. Whether we gather for sacred or secular reasons, people follow some typical emotional rules of behavior. People don’t want to be hurt, so they will hesitate to invest themselves in the life of someone who may be here today and gone tomorrow. It will take some time before you are accepted into a faith community. Take the initiative. This is hard for those of us who are introverts, but do meet and greet people. Just don’t be in a hurry. Hurried church relationships are like hurried romances. They generally don’t end well.
Fourth – Find a place of service.
Church membership should be about serving Christ in our world. If you approach your new church with the attitude of discovering what the church can do for you or your family, you won’t get much out of it. Find a way to serve the community. Volunteer in some way. It can be as simple as picking up hymnals or helping at a bake sale. Service to Christ’s church is good for your soul, and it has the added benefit of being another signal to the members that you want to be a part of their community.
Finally – Submit yourself.
Christianity is 2000 years old. Many of the rituals and traditions of various churches are hundreds of years old. Even small rituals that are specific to your new church may have ancient roots. You may not understand everything at first or fully appreciate the symbols and liturgy, but submit yourself to them. You may have much to learn. You should be a fully participating part of a faith community for a few years before you start making suggestions about what needs to change.
These are just a few ideas for you to ponder. But having spent many years as a pastor and watching people come and go, I think I can say that if you faithfully follow these five suggestions, you’ll find yourself becoming intimately connected to your new church.
I wish you all the best on this journey of faith and faithfulness,
Gordon
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Gordon, some great advice here. I like the five practical suggestions. May I push-back just a litttle? I’d suggest that fiinding a place of service ought to be number one on the list. That would reflect the real purpose for uniting with a church, which you succinctly state in that paragraph. In addition, it also results in the other benefits you mention:getting-to-know people, attendance, etc. all which naturally line up when a person is “plugged-in.”
Much wisdom here, Gordon — and good advice. We changed churches about six years ago — and it was wrenching. We should have left far earlier than we did, and my wife wanted to, but I was the one who hung on to the relationships we had. Things got worse, and even I could see that it wasn’t going to get better. We found a new church, one that was 150+ years old, with family relationships just as old — three and four and five generations. It can be a very tough environment for newcomers, and in some ways, it still is.
Glynn,
I think aging churches are tough. But they often have such depth of meaning and theology. Perhaps they are good for experienced people of faith who know how to find their way into the system.
Gordon, I really like your advice here — in fact, I wish I had read it about 7 years ago, when I was a new member of my church. Of course, back then, I wasn’t ready to have a church community — it was enough at that point that I was walking through the church doors. In fact, I intentionally chose a large church so I could seamlessly fade into the background. I had to be ready to take the next step, and when I did, the church was ready to welcome me.
I was extremely lucky. Once I was ready to enter a church community — rather than simply a church — my church had so many resources available…and I didn’t have to work really hard to find them. There were adult education classes listed weekly in the building; small groups forming twice yearly; lots of community service projects being widely promoted; etc. Most importantly the people themselves were ready to reach out. Once they had an inkling that I might be ready to take another step forward, they reached out to me — so it was a mutual community-forming experience. I remember mentioning to my pastor, “Hmmm, I’ve thought a little bit about joining a small group, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.” A day later there was an email in my in-box with an invitation to join a small group. It was just the nudge I needed to make it happen. Left to my own devices, I probably would have mulled the decision another year. And joining that small group has been the single most important aspect of finding a community — I even got my husband to join after a while!
I love this practical advice!
Michelle,
Sounds like a great church. And you bring up an EXCELLENT POINT. Sometimes people aren’t ready for community. They need to just sit and be left alone to figure things out. This is yet another way that churches struggle. Some people want you to pursue them. If you don’t, they feel hurt. “I was attending but hardly anyone spoke to me.” Others will bolt and run if they get the sense that people are pressing them.
It can be hard to know what to do. I used to tell people that our church was an introverted kind of church. Large percentage of introverts there. We tended to let people be until we got the sense they wanted to know us better.
Glynn,
I think aging churches are tough. But they often have such depth of meaning and theology. Perhaps they are good for experienced people of faith who know how to find their way into the system.
I like this. It is so true.
I belong to a large, growing church that I appreciate greatly. I love my little community of people and feel very involved. However, I have found that with such an organic community that grows and changes rapidly, I have had to go back to rules like yours more than once to find my place again.
Great article!
Gordon, thank you. I don’t know what else I can say beyond that.
“So let’s talk about you.” This is the piece we miss so often — how do I contribute not only to my own experience in church family/community but how do I contribute to forming that community and developing that experience for others. I’m deeply rooted in a small rural church that has its history (and present) of dysfunction, that has been wounded deep and has wounded deeper. But it’s ours. And it’s where God shows up. And we’ll keep pouring ourselves into it (and reaping the immeasurable blessings of being a part of that family). I lost count of how many times I could have walked away because it wasn’t meeting my needs or satisfying my interests. But it’s so much bigger than that.
Guess I found something to say after all. But again, thanks. I hope this gets a wide reading.
Lyla,
Sounds like you have found a community. Sometimes it’s good – I think – that people can leave a church and go to another church. But that easy walk away isn’t always good. It can keep us from sticking it out and making peace with people who are not like us.
My heart is so with you on this one, as we have had some emotional church experiences. Moving to a place where we did not fit in, it has taken us two years to find a church. As we are church planters on hiatus, I found it hard to join the community, always thinking we wouldn’t be here forever, we will be starting another church. My husband, thank God for him for he keeps me grounded and *tries* to keep me humble, jumped into the church community and told me, ” stop being so standoffish. This is where God has put us for now…maybe forever, maybe for a short while. But we are here. This is our community.” So I am using baby steps now… your post is a big help for me. I have taken issue with some churches idea of “being a part of the body” lately because of this event I wrote about here:
http://totrainupachildwithlove.blogspot.com/2010/06/to-be-cancer_18.html
Your post is a reminder and affirmation that the church is community, not a religious organization that you must do a, b, or c or else…
and I appreciate it.
I have been at the same church for so many years I can hardly remember when it all started. There’ve been things I wished were different, but I always figured there were enough good things to warrant staying.
So here I am. Though these days I’ve been exploring an opposite freedom– the freedom to just stay home sometimes and be by myself and rest. My community allows me that, which is nice.
LL,
Me too. Everything in its time and season. What is right for you and me might not be other others. And might not be for us in 5 years.
Gordon,
Great post! I really like the practical tips you have listed. As someone who is finally finding I belong to the community within our church, it made me smile to read through the list and think YES, I’m doing that! In addition, in the past when I didn’t feel as if I was a part of my church community, it was because I was being inconsistant about my attendance or service, and had nothing to do with anyone or anything going on in the church. Thanks for the reminder that being part of a community means actually being a contributing member to the community!
Thank you for this post on the importance of community. It is essential to our faith and sanctification. My husband and I have found a deep, rich community within our small group at our church. We are members of a huge church and without our group, I think it would have been impossible to find real community.
We’ve been together for three years now and know pretty much everything about each other from our finances, marital communication, dreams, weaknesses, areas that aren’t pleasing to God, etc. And yes.. indeed.. being in community is about being a contributor!
We’ve found great healing through authentic, biblical community.
Great list, Gordon! I particularly like the final point as that’s one we don’t often think about, but it’s so important to submit first, suggest later! (I’ve seen some people recently get blown out of leadership because of not following this one – it’s goes for any group you’re starting to be a part of.)
Yeah, it does go for any group. And for relationships. You better have some relationship credit in the bank before you go getting all confrontational.
This is a difficult one for me. We are currently going through “church detox.” Not sure which direction our family will end up, whether another church or a home church. Trusting God for the answers when it is time.
I think one of the biggest things for me in regards to finding community at church is truth. If we promote truth in our lives and in our relationships about sin, struggles, joys, sharing of lives then I think we are moving in the direction of the authentic. Unfortunately in my past experiences truth and church are not things that have gone together. I am sure there are churches out there…I pray there are believers that are able to leave the masks and live in truth.
I actually wrote a post* about church today…I’m asking a lot of questions. Pushing past the comfortable. It’s difficult but I think we have a long way to go. Your points are a great start…and let’s push for the authentic.
“Community without truth is artificial Harmony.” – Pete Wilson
* http://jezamama.blogspot.com/2010/06/it-feels-like-church.html
This is your season. A season of doubt and questions. Which is cool. I’m in that season myself.
Church Detox. I went through that twice in the past 10 years. The first was intentional. My wife and I were newly married, both younger Christians and moving full speed forward. Being in the military, the change was mandatory, so we went into “chill” mode.
The second, more recent time, was more of an enforced thing. I wanted to get involved when we first moved here, but looking back, it wasn’t time. Understanding this also gave me more confidence in my pastor when it *was* time to get to work. Though I’d made myself available (and there was/is definitely a need), he never really pushed me into anything.
Most of the “yuck” is now safely out of my system, and I think we’re less toxic than we were. The rest we’ll just work through and work out as we’re given the grace to do so.
I think these are such wise suggestions. It wasn’t until we were willing to invest ourselves in service that we really became a part of the church family. When we found the place the Lord had for us, it changed everything. He began to knit our hearts together with others and we felt we had come home.
Gordon,
I’ve been a Christian for 7 years and tried to snuggle in to three different churches. I wholeheartedly agree with all the points you’ve shared, especially the last one. It has always gone better for me when I’ve been more cautious in offering my ideas for change or improvement in ministry. Two of my churches have been new plants however and it is so exciting to want to be a part of the growth.
There was a reality tv show on a few years ago that I shamefully watched late at night called “The Pick Up Artist”. Although it was cheezy, there were some good points on the psychology of new relationships that I’ve thought of as I pursue new fellowships in Church culture (and perhaps in some writing cultures as well). It is almost like a dating situation with each person testing the waters to see if they want to take it further and wondering how committed or interested the other is (as your article pointed out). Fortunately as Christians we have overwhelming amounts of grace to cover over eager newbies and leery locals.
This is a great post! I just finished a paper on “Doing Church As A Team” by Wayne Cordeiro for a school project and the book speaks to this very concept. God has gifted all of His people to be involved in the work of the ministry. If we go to church and to plug in, we are not playing our part in God’s work of proclaiming his glory!
When all of God’s children are working together for a common purpose, the world sees the beauty and majesty of what grace and salvation are really about! The best way to keep people in church is to get them plugged in and involved and help them realize that their role is VITAL in bringing about the Kingdom!
What a great way to stay focused when trying to integrate into a new church. My family and I started attending our church almost 3 years ago now and have worked through these areas hoping to fit in somewhere. It takes so much time and can be discouraging, but patience, as you’ve mentioned, will help keep the focus.
Excellent practical advice! As a pastor’s wife, I couldn’t agree more. Someone mentioned about those who are not ready for community and I echo those thoughts as well. After a season of respite, most are ready to engage once again in community.
To understand where people are in the journey as they enter a church can be a tricky pursuit for the leadership of a congregation. We prayerfully approach and try to present an offer of real relationship, while we also pray the person(s) will seek to invest themselves as well as time moves on. It’s not always easy, but true community is worth the effort. Thanks for the thoughts shared!
Thinking about what Karyn said, her comment reminds me that I’m just getting through the first time I’ve had to go through this “process of patience” since my walk in Christ.
The military is it’s own sub-culture, and military family dominant church-life is affected heavily by deployments and changes in duty stations (the two leading causes of separation from the local church body). Bottom line, getting involved within 6 months is almost an expectation. Not necessarily a bad thing, it just is what it is. And the one church I was involved in before entering the military I had the good fortune to be around the pastor almost continuously! (come to think of it, the ministers there were ex-military too…)
After a few duty stations, it just seemed to be the norm. Once I retired, I was still reacting to what I had become accustomed to.
2 years later, I finally find myself active in the church. The ONLY reason I stayed was the leading of Holy Spirit. That should be enough but I’ve not always been obedient to His prompting. God used that as part of my Detox period (which I mentioned ab0ve).
Glad I stayed.
-l2s/Mike H