I imagine that most people who were ostracized as children develop a heightened sensitivity to the dynamics of social groups. If you’re not part of a group, you have the luxury of observing it almost as an anthropologist, identifying leaders, followers, permitted and prohibited behavior and dress.
My own sensitivity gets a workout whenever I approach a new situation — say, for example, a new church. It’s my observation that most churches like to believe that they are friendly and welcoming to visitors, but few actually are. Talking to newcomers is hard work! Much easier to chat with your neighbor, do some church business, or simply concentrate on your bulletin until service starts. Churches that intentionally try to welcome visitors often mistake interrogation for hospitality; personally, I’d far rather be ignored.
My latest anthropology experiment is at the middle school, to which we are new this year. It has been a worse shock for me than for my child. Without really realizing it, I was used to being an insider at the elementary school: I knew many of the teachers, most of the staff, and all of the PTA. I knew who to ask if I had a question, and I enjoyed exchanging friendly greetings with people in the halls. The school was, in part, my village, and I welcomed the opportunity to help to raise every child in it.
It couldn’t be more different at the middle school. Not only is parent presence at the school discouraged, both actively and passively; not only is the office staff curt to the point of rudeness; but the PTA, my last hope, is the inniest of the in-groups, and despite their complaining about not having volunteers, their behavior strongly suggests that they have no interest in outsiders. Questions go unanswered and offers to volunteer are ignored. They are even oddly unforthcoming about the date and time of their meetings. I have resigned myself to being an outsider there for the next several years.
All this should remind me, next time I find myself on the inside of a group, to be especially aware of the needs and feelings of newcomers. Beginnings are fragile things.
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